The title says it all really. My life is a bit hectic at the moment. I am working hard to be able to stay in my house. In addition to the 50+ hours a week I work, I am also running a GoFundMe campaign to raise the capital I need. I live with Multiple Sclerosis and have for nineteen and a half years. I currently have a roommate who is unable to pay rent and unwilling to talk to me about her plan, so I am waiting for her to move out at the end of her 30 day notice. I had another roommate scheduled to move in and she just informed me that she was going to stay with family and save money. 

Some would say “The struggle is real!” Today I choose to say, “The situation is real! The struggle is optional” Each of the individual situations I mentioned above is very real, with it’s own challenges, that sometimes overlap. I choose not to struggle against any of it.

That does not mean I sit passively while these things occur around me. I, usually fairly quickly, assess a few things and make decisions based on what I find.  Let’s look at the example of my friend who was planning to move in. Then when it came time to move forward, changed her mind. She had been here to see the room and was very excited about the size of the room, the price and the roommates. A few days later I let her know that I would be sending a rental agreement so that we could move forward. The next day I got a text from her saying that she decided to stay with family because she could save more money.  Naturally I was disappointed because I had been looking forward to living with her. Of course I was disappointed and worried because now more than ever I need to keep my rooms rented with people who pay on time. This woman is that kind of roommate. While I was feeling that, I recognized that had some choices to make.  I could choose to take her decision personally (how could she do this to me?) or I could see it as a decision that worked best for her…period. I chose the latter. I didn’t stop there. I kept making choices. I now had to choose if I wanted to leave the room vacant for a month and eat the cost, or if I wanted to add another thing to my plate and get a room for rent ad out. Did I mention that I am doing everything I can to save my house? Turning down money without trying is not in alignment with that! Then, because I am human, I had to decide if I was going to be a victim of circumstance; whining and blaming her for the decisions I “had” to make or be as Andrea Gibson terms it a “Master of the Get Thru” I made the choice to get thru by getting the ad out. Then I did more by looking for folks who had ads that looked like a likely match and sent them my ad directly. I don’t know what will happen with that room for this month. I have taken all of the action I can at the moment. Each moment is another opportunity to take action. Later today I will swing by few local community centers to see if anyone is looking to rent a room, and put up and ad.  None of the things that I did following my friends decision was based on anything she did. Her decisions and actions are completely separate from mine. She took an action that was best for her. Shortly after that I had a situation pop up in my life that needed attention. I attended to it based on the decisions that were best for me and not harmful to others…period. I know that I will be seeing her in a couple of weeks. The way is clear for us to continue a fabulous friendship because I am clear about what is mine and what is hers. The clarity of mind brings me peace. The promise of continuing that friendship brings me peace and joy!  Of course it is easy to remain peaceful when the line between “mine” and “others’” is clear. One may wonder what happens when the lines are blurred.

My response begins with a question. Why are the lines blurred? The peace that I described at the end of the last paragraph is not the result of the choices I made. I made the choices I did because I had peace within me before that situation arose.

I haven’t always had this level of peace. As a young adult I was angry at the world and a victim of everything. The obvious questions are, “what changed?” and “Can anyone get that? Can I?”.  Yes! This peace is available for anyone who is willing to walk an authentic and mindful path. Let me tell you what happened for me. Now to look at the question “What changed?”.

I changed. Not immediately. I had to have the lessons and the struggle a whole lot of times before I found the peace I thought was impossible. The first step in the change was to become willing to be opening minded and shift my perspectives. This occurred over years through conversations with people who thought differently than I did. I had to be willing to talk to people who do things differently in order to learn how to do things differently. I read and listened to audio books to help me expand my consciousness. I learned that my experiences, all of them, have been valuable. The hard experiences were just that, hard. Perhaps they were painful, perhaps not. The reality is that everything I have experienced in my life has led me to becoming the dynamic woman I am today. To refuse acknowledge the pain, fear, anger and uncertainties that I have and continue to walk through would be to deny the strength courage and conviction I displayed to get to here from there. The experiences therefore were not negative, or bad, just hard. 

Secondly, I had to be willing to be honest with myself. I had to look at the emotional investments I was making and in some cases why I was holding onto unproductive investments. For those of you are unfamiliar the idea of “emotional investments” let me take a moment to explain. This is the Cliff Notes version. Take a moment to identify a relationship you are in. This can be professional or personal, platonic or romantic. Got it? Think of this relationship as stock. What you give to the relationship is your investment dollar. The way that the relationship is supportive, empowering and nurturing for you is the return on the investment. Most of us would not leave our money is stocks that either underperformed or failed to perform at all. We would watch the trend, see if there was a reason, adjust for the reason, and watch the stock for improvement. If we don’t see the return we want, most of us would take our money out and re-invest in a stock that is performing. In relationships, however, many of us continue to pour energy, time and resources into relationship (again, not only close or romantic relationships) that are providing little or no return and then we complain about our “lousy stock”. Now, as I determine that a relationship is not providing me with a return equivalent to my investment I have a choice to make. Do I divest completely (end the relationship) or re-allocate some of my “investment dollars” or energy and emotions? I make my choice based on my truth in the moment. This requires one to be authentically honest with oneself.  Not always an easy task, but definitely worth it. For some, displaying this level of ongoing mindfulness in each of the relationships we are in seems daunting and un-achievable. Initially developing a way of life centered in mindfulness was very challenging. I had to be willing to acknowledge things about myself that I found undesirable, before I could begin to change those things. Initially I had a lot of work. My words and actions were often incongruent with what I said I believed. I only believed that half the time anyway.  I first I had to clearly define my value system then I had to develop a way of life that reflected what I said I believe.

That last segment is written in the past tense. That is to describe my experience then. The process is ongoing, not just daily but throughout each day. Developing a way of life centered in mindfulness, like ANY new habit can be daunting. One of the reasons living mindfully has been worth the investment though is that once the practice of mindfulness took hold in me, it was easy to apply it to all areas of my life. I have heard other Practioners of mindfulness say that initially incorporating this way of life was a bit tough and required constant vigilance. As time progressed, so have I and mindful living has become second nature. Mindful living is basically being aware of each moment in the moment. Here is an example, albeit magnified that many might relate to.

Think about a person who arrives at a beautiful location, with a lovely sunrise and gorgeous mist, fresh cool air, flowers abloom colors in full glory and birds singing.  The “asleep” version of that person takes a photo immediately with their phone and spends… however long.. trying to get a signal so they can post it to social media. The “mindful” version of the person may take a picture, even several (or LOTS if you are like me, thank goodness for digital cameras) then that person breathes in the moment, looks around, feels the morning air on their skin, and in their airway, how relaxed they are, or are becoming…you get the point. That version is aware of what’s happening in the moment. That is a simple but timely example of a complex philosophy. Both versions of the person were in the same place for the same amount of time. Who do you think will experience the most benefit from that time in that location? The mindful person had the moment in the moment and will also have the memories to draw on thereby extending the value of their investment.  

I have a strong and eclectic spiritual practice that contributes greatly to my inner peace. My spirituality reminds me that I am always in the place I need to be in the moment I need to be there. Although it sometimes feels like it, I am rarely lost. I am frequently in exactly the right place unexpectedly. There are, right now, situations in my life that I (much to my dismay) can’t predict the outcome of, that hurt my feelings, or that scare me. I mindfully acknowledge the emotions. I sit with them. I don’t park though. I spend some time understanding my emotions, which has become a faster process as I have practiced. I then look for the lesson. I ask “What am I to learn from this? How is this experience helping me grow?” The one thing anyone reading this can say is that we each have a 100% success rate of getting through the hard stuff we have faced. We are alive despite everything that could have taken us down. I sometimes forget to remember how resilient I am. That concept, a100%success rate…is the type of return I am looking for with my emotional investments. Often we stop when we get to the emotions, we get tied up in figuring the whys and wherefores and we never move forward into the empowering part of this process, the action. Once one has a handle on authenticity and mindfulness, situations like the example I started is a simple matter of behaving in a way with our words and actions  based on the authentic truths we have uncovered in ourselves. 

Do you remember the question I asked to start this lengthy answer? “Why are the lines blurred?” When we live mindfully and communicate authentically, the lines “mine” and “others’” need never be blurred. If they are it is because we missed a step or were not as thorough with a step as necessary. Now that I know my value, and have defined my values, I consider others. I make decsions and behave in ways that will not cause harm.  I have acknowledged that everyone around me has value. In so doing compassion usually leads my interactions. I know that others have their own that inform their decisions. I support others in doing what is best for them when it does not cause harm.  I affirm that what others believe is as valid as what I believe, if not for me, for them.  I also recognize that I am connected to everything in the universe therefore my decisions will affect more than just me. I notice the sunrises and sunsets and the small gifts from nature. I take time to play. I know that I have wisdom and resilience within me and a support system around me.  I am connected to all things therefore to harm another is also to harm myself. To harm myself is to damage the Whole, because I am connected to everything. With all of that as my truth, I am ready to experience inner peace no matter what turmoil is brewing outside of me.